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When you are Bereaved
There are many events that will evoke memories of the death
of someone close. Some are personal and obvious such as a
wedding anniversary or a birthday of the anniversary of the
death itself. Other more unpredictable, reminders may be a
piece of music playing on the radio, a smell or a particular
TV programme. Some reminders may not even be fully conscious.
A place or even the type of weather may evoke feelings of
anger, sadness or loneliness before it is realised that is
has associations with the loss of a loved one.
Other people can be strong reminders of the person who has
died. It is not unusual for a child to remind a parent of
another dead child or of a lost partner.
Public Events may trigger memories for a large number of
people. The death of someone famous or publicity about disasters
and traumatic deaths such as a road accident, fire or capsized
boat can bring back painful images.
What Happens
Anniversaries and reminders can evoke powerful memories and
feelings which are distinctly personal. These days or events
which mean so much to one person may be ordinary to others
who may not understand what is happening.
Each relationship and each bereavement is unique and special.
The reminders can evoke fond and happy memories, or a mood
of solitary but comforting reflection. But they can also evoke
sadness, grief, fear, regret and anger. It is not unusual
at moments of connection with memory to become angry with
others. “How dare they be alive when the loved person
is not?”
Some people find themselves distracted, unable to concentrate
and agitated and others have conflicting feelings of sadness
and relief. There is no “right” way to feel and
no time limit on experiencing the feelings. For many, reminders
evoke strong feelings throughout their own lives.
Another disturbing feeling that can be evoked by a reminder
is guilt, guilt at what was said or done, guilt concerning
what was left unsaid and even guilt at having forgotten or
not thought about the dead person for a long time.
What Helps
It probably helps to accept that, when grieving,
there are some occasions which will be very difficult and
then to work out how best to manage them.
Spend some time trying to work out well in advance which
arrangements will best suit your needs and the needs of those
others who share your loss.
Some people try to avoid the pain of certain events by making
sure that are away from the people and places which bring
sad thoughts and memories. If you feel like this you may decide,
for example, to go on a course, go on holiday, go anywhere
which has no special connections, and immerse yourself in
fresh surroundings.
But you may feel it is important to mark the day in a way
that is special for you, and for the person who has died and
whose loss you mourn.
Perhaps you feel that you may want to make them a gift in
the way that you used to, to tell them that you still love
them and they are still part of your life.
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You may decide to spend the time quietly with
your thoughts and memories, you may perhaps go to the crematorium
gardens or grave with a close friend or family, to give yourself
time and a place to be sad and talk about the person who has
died.
Maybe afterwards you will feel like doing something
else that holds memories which are dear to you, to go for
a particular walk, sit in a certain corner of a pub, read
a special book, listen to a particular piece of music, even
have a party.
What is important is that what you do will have
some special private meaning for you, and for those close
to you.
Some people find solace in religious and cultural
practices which help individuals and groups remember the dead
and celebrate their lives and work.
Others find they prefer something more personal
and others do nothing at all.
The uncertainty and anxiety surrounding death
may lead to fixed ideas and thinking, but curse has learnt
that people remember and forget the dead in their own ways
and what bereaved people need is acceptance from others.
As time passes, anniversaries and reminders
can help us to begin to focus on happy memories of good times
in the past, but if the painful images persist and they are
disrupting you life or your sleep you should seek expert help.
Ways to Cure Bereavement
Remember
- Creating a memory box containing mementos
of the person who has died, such as photographs, letters,
poems or records of achievement
- Compiling a book about the person, including
photographs, press cuttings and personal memories. This
need not be formal, it can be a scrapbook of photo album
with personal notes
- A memory box or book can be made by one
person for their own use, or some families may like to create
one jointly. Each member can be invited to make their own
contribution. This can be kept in the family to show future
generations
- Keeping a memento which brings back memories,
perhaps something that is in regular use
- Having a memorial bench overlooking a favourite
view, a sundial of piece of stained glass.
- Planting a tree or shrub
- Making a donation to charity or some cause
that played a part in the persons life, or becoming a volunteer
or helper
- Funding a prize or award at a club. School
or college
Care
Founded in 1959, Cruse Bereavement Care is a
UK wide charity with no religious affiliation, offering help
to anyone who has been bereaved. Through its headquarters
and nearly 200 local Branches, Cruse offers counselling, information,
bereavement support and groups, a range of publications and
training and education services.
Cruse Bereavement Care depends on voluntary
support to continue its work. If you would like to make a
donation or would like to have more information about the
organisation, please write to:
Cruse Bereavement Care
126 Sheen Road
Richmond Surrey TW9 1UR
Email: info@crusebereavementcare.org.uk
Website: www.crusebereavement.org.uk
Tel: 0870 1671 677 |
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| Golden
Charter Funeral Plans |
The Most
Thoughtful Decision
you Could Make |
Have you ever thought
about your funeral? There comes a time in all our lives
when its natural to contemplate such things …
a time to think about loved ones, and what you’d
like to leave them. |
To
Celebrate A Life
|
The Death
of Someone Close |
The death of a close relative or friend is a bitter
experience for any of us. Although we may accept that
time will eventually soothe our grief, the immediate
feeling of shock and loss is very real.
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Paying
For The Funeral
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Funerals
can be Expensive |
Check where the
money for the funeral will come from, otherwise, if
there is not enough money available, you may have to
bear the cost yourself. |
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